Hummingbird
by thrashing-light
Summary: "He simply hums around the edges of my school day, always flitting around and flirting with me at least once a day. If it wasn't such an absurd thing to say about him, he reminds me of a hummingbird. He excels at so much, he would probably hardly notice if I left. If anything I may just remind him of a time he is trying so hard to forget."


Hummingbird

I do not own Code Geass or any of it's elements or entities

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><p>Everyone is getting so excited for tonight's festival, but my skin is stone. Rivalz, Milly, the whole city. They're all so giddy. Even Gino seems like his normal, flirtatious, bubbly self. I told him I was excited too. But of course I wasn't. Whether or not I truly understood what I ravaged, and what I reaped; I do understand what ravaged me. I gutted myself. For eleven months, three weeks and six days I tried to sew myself back up, to stuff my lungs with sweet air, to gulp down the warmth everyone else felt.<p>

It didn't work. It all leaked out. There simply not enough left. Students and other people laugh and streak past me, going towards the center of town. All smiles. The weather is simply gorgeous, a small smile even slips across my face.

With my calloused hands I used to grip the molded hand controls of my Guren as Q-1, the Red Lotus of the Black Knights. I used to be filled with intrinsic clarity. I claimed the lives of many, transferred as notches on my gun barrel to achieve the ultimate goal for everyone. Freedom. The liberty to achieve, to dream, to stand on your own two feet and grab what you needed without anyone keeping you down.

Naoto. He confirmed to me who it was that was pushing us down. Brittania.

Zero. He gave me to tools to cut them down.

Lelouch. He...was the one who achieved it.

Of course I know Zero and Lelouch were the same person. I just never thought I would lose faith in both of them. I always thought I could trust in my clarity. But the words never and always definitely don't belong in real life. That's what I learned about myself these past eleven months, three weeks and six days. My belief in ultimate clarity decimated me from the inside out. Lelouch appeared to self-destruct after Nunnally passed. I saw Lelouch and Suzaku going too far, losing their sense of justice, getting drunk off power. I thought that my clarity in the goal of proper freedom would show me the right path.

And it flung me down the wrong one. I helped kill the only man I loved. My hair flashes past my eyes; the breeze picks up as I walk down the sidewalk towards the river. The river looks like its made of tangerines, the way it reflects the sunset. Man, I guess it was later than I thought.

He told me to live on. He looked back at me so lifeless back when I kissed him. Like a stunned statue. How could he expect me to live when the last time I truly looked into his eyes, he looked back at me like that? It used to make me so angry. So insulted he didn't choose me to be in his coveted inner circle, with Suzaku and C.C. So crushed he didn't trust me to hold his secret, to help him so he didn't have to sacrifice himself. So hurt he didn't love me back. So torn open and twisted inside out that he saw the fatal flaw in me that I didn't see. That I was simply too naïve and could only be a pawn, not a queen.

And in the end, he became another notch on my Guren's Radient wave barrel.

Birds swing by me, chattering to each other, it's nice to know that the only things routinely in the air now are birds. I smile again. And think that Gino is pretty happy for that too, no matter how much he whines he misses his Tristan.

For a while I just shut down, I couldn't even think, uncounted days, where I just slept in my bed or I watched bad television. My muscle mass left, and I became as physically weak as I felt mentally. People would came by and visit, Nunnally, Ohgi, Chigusa, Villetta, Rivalz, Nina, Tamaki even Milly stopped by. I still felt nothing. One person would keep coming back. His presence hummed annoyingly at the hems of my life. Gino. Just like when I was imprisoned he came around again and again. Leaving notes. Saying hello. Cooking me food. Just what was his deal anyway? Didn't he get it? That I just didn't care anymore? That it was too late to fix me? I did too much damage.

Yet. I eventually got out, went back to Ashford Academy and even graduated. Not all on my own strength though. We all sort of banded together after the assassination. We had just as many festivals, parties, study groups and clubs. I've held it together really well too. I would laugh at all the right jokes, smile at all the right moments, study the right material. Everyone accepted me back. They thought I was a genius to fight against the evil Lelouch before anyone else did.

I kick my left foot at a rock and it skips to the bridge. Such a small motion can be so satisfying. Like I still have the power to do something. Sometimes I feel so fake that I may just phase through matter. Like my feelings are all a big song and dance, like the yellow dress I wore when I was locked up. Yellow like the color of his hair. Gino.

The only time I feel anything at all is with Gino, which albeit isn't saying much since it's mostly annoyance, confusion and shock when he hits on me. He can make any girl, or guy for that matter, feel just about anything. He bounced back from all this war in a way I can't comprehend.

His eyes sparkle, He lives in the moment, doing outlandish things, talking about all sorts of nonsense, talking to just about anyone about anything. We don't talk at length, or spend much time together; he is super busy being the new school Class President and all. He simply hums around the edges of my school day, always flitting around, and flirting with me at least once a day. If it wasn't such an absurd thing to say about him, he reminds me of a hummingbird.

He excels at so much, he would probably hardly notice if I left. If anything I may just remind him of a time he is trying so hard to forget.

I grip the smooth, warm metal railing of the bridge, the last of the cars whip by me, most already at the grand festival. My eyes just stare out downstream. Taking in the wondrous rebuilding process of this city. It's almost like the FLEIJA never happened. The buildings are all replaced. Better than ever. I wonder what would have happened if I let Suzaku win that last fight. If he had bested me not the other way around. Maybe I would have had killed Lelouch, instead of Suzaku killing him, and watching become a faceless avatar he never wanted to be.

I have so many, many regrets. So many things I simply can't fix now. I don't know how to even do the last request Lelouch even asked me.

To live.

My life. Ha. My life is a tar pit. I tried. I did. I tried to get myself right. To atone for all I did wrong. Others seem to have figured it all out. They seemed to find their place, as Gino would say "raison d'etre". Whatever, Kallen Kozuki is a ghost. What can a ghost offer the present?

More birds glide out over the water, flying down into the fat sun, lazily dipping more than halfway down into the water. I take one skinny leg and fling it over the rail. Then the other. The breeze has died down some. It simply ripples the hem of my skirt. And tugs at my shirt. I sidestep along the edge of the overhang towards the support column of the bridge. I'm just as calm as I thought I would be.

It's futile. And I am tired of not belonging in this future Lelouch wanted so much for everyone. I don't want to taint it any longer. I was so many things. I was a fighter, a leader, a tactician, a pilot, a friend, an ally, and a sister. I could have be friends and even a great lover too. Just wasn't in the cards. I finally realize now how all the veterans of the past wars felt. Waking up in cold sweats screaming a dead man's name. Daydreaming contingency plans in case war breaks out again. Thinking of the last person still alive on Earth I would want to lose. It exhausts me. I am tired all the time. Another thing I can't understand about Gino, his boundless energy.

He is truly remarkable. He isn't as brilliant as Lelouch, or as strong as Suzaku, but he certainly proved himself more resilient.

I peek the toe of my left foot over the ledge. Then the right. I fall back slightly and lean back against the metal support column that is already cool. The sun is almost set. I feel less serene and more grim. There isn't much I miss from the present. There isn't much that really made me smile. But he did on those rare occasions. It'd be a shame though to drag him down with me. He is the type of person Lelouch intended for his splendid future. I close my eyes and smell the fresh air. Hear the squawks of the gulls. Feel the line of dome capped rivets running down my back.

Tears prick unexpectedly at my eyelids. I reluctantly open them as they trickle down my cheekbones. Tears are so not my thing. I'll blame it on the wind. Then the sun finally drowns beneath the river, and the sky turns a pink and purple, strangled hue.

"I'm coming home Naoto, Lelouch." I murmur, and I'm pretty sure the wind catches my words, and flings them away. I place my palms against the cool metal and my heart rate crescendos, I can't wait to fly again. I pause as I hear a familiar voice calling my name. They're calling me! I flash a smile. Naoto! Lelouch! I hear it again, closer now. Wait. That's not Lelouch's voice, nor is it Naoto's.

"Kallen! Stop!" Now I place it. I can't believe it though. It can't be him. How would he know where I would be? I almost push off just then, I'm just a stupid girl hearing voices. Then out of the corner of my eye I see it. The blur of blond hair closing in.

Why does he have to ruin everything?

A spike of anger stabs through me. Gino. What is he doing here? Why isn't he at the party he organized for Ashford Academy? Always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. But just as quickly as the anger hits, it leaves. It's Gino's nature. He doesn't get it, he doesn't know. He is just a caring person. He cares about everyone at Ashford; maybe someone saw me on the bridge while driving past in their car. He is too innocent to really get it.

"Kallen! What are you doing?!" He was close now, on the other side of the railing. His white button shirt is all crumpled, so unlike him. His blue eyes were blown out wide, his body out of breath and frantic. If I wasn't so spent I would have smirked. He probably asked the dumbest question he could have.

"Just go." My voice didn't sound like my own. It sounded hollow and heavy like a cinder-block. I look down at the water below. Wow, I guess we are up pretty high. I glance down at the support beams. I wonder if the wind would blow me back into one if I jumped off towards the left.

"Not unless you come with me." I glance up, Gino's voice lost its panicked pitch, and lowered into his usual baritone. Again, Gino, with the white knight gig. Talking to me while imprisoned. Trying to get my out of my bed after the assassination. Too persistent. He needs to learn that he can't fix everything. He can't fix me. And his odd mix of naivety and arrogance that he thinks he can is getting tiresome. He has so many other people in his life. Bother them.

"I'm not going with you. And you honestly can't make me." I make eye contact with him, my hair almost twirls around my eyes and almost blocks my vision. I tuck it behind my ears. He just doesn't get it.

"The hell I can't! Listen Kallen you're better than this. You're stronger than this." Gino pleaded as he loped his long legs over the railing to be on the unsafe part of the bridge with me. Now he went from caring colleague to crazy idiot.

"I don't know what you're blabbing about. But you need to leave. You don't have any reason to be here." I move back against the support beam. He looks so worried. He doesn't have anything to worry about.

"Kallen. Stop wallowing in this. Stop punishing yourself!" He pleads. I can see the sincerity in his eyes and it's so strange not seeing him happy and bubbly per normal. And despite myself I feel tears return. Gino is such a fool. Such a fucking idiot!

"Stop wallowing?! Stop punishing myself?! I'm a huge part of the reason the man I loved is dead. I was so blind to his plan. I let myself be led astray! I lost my faith and trust in Lelouch! And now what?! Suzaku's life is ruined! Lelouch is dead. My brother is dead. There is nothing for me here!" I screamed, my voice felt raw and definitely cracked a half dozen times.

"There is plenty for you here if you let yourself become a part of it!" Gino all but shouts at me. How incredulous. What does he know of my capabilities or my hobbies? And joining something a club? What sort of nonsense is that?

"Join something? I was a part of something! Something important. I can't replicate being the Ace Pilot of the Black Knights. And when that ended so did I! You were able to move on, for you it's easy!" God damnit he can make me so riled up. What could possibly compare to what I was before? I could I possibly be stronger or more important than who I was?

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe it wasn't so easy for me?! For any of us? That maybe you were so wrapped up in yourself that you couldn't see how we were faking it too?" As Gino's eyes narrowed into fragments, his eyes getting blurry from the wind, time stopped.

That hit me. So wrapped up in myself? What good would I have been to help them anyway?

"You weren't the only person to lose someone important to them Kallen." Gino continued much to my dismay. "You weren't the only person who woke up wishing that they were back in time, to fix everything." His voice dropped off, I could barely hear his voice over the now howling wind. The temperature dropped and it now was almost chilly. His eyes got the hollow, distant look I knew too well.

"You and the others are not guilty of this outcome, I am. I had the power to change the outcome, and I failed everyone. I lost it all. There were so many times where I could have saved Lelouch, saved Suzaku. But I ended up being the weakest one. The weakest of us all." I didn't even know I was screaming. This was so stupid and useless.

"I don't belong in this future he created. And I don't deserve to. Now please leave me alone." My voice, as deep as the water below me, rushed at Gino. His eyes widened, and narrowed again into anger.

"Do you think this what your brother wanted, Lelouch wanted? They would have wanted you to try harder than this, they wouldn't wanted for you to give up!" His words pierced me, an old haunting pain I had been living with for far too long. A truth I had just been barely able to swallow, a gnarled, spiky and sticky knot down my throat.

I wasn't what they wanted.

"You're exactly right Gino." The first time I used his name. My toes still dangled off the side of the bridge. All I needed to do was roll my weight forward. "I wasn't and still not the person they wanted, nor needed. This is exactly why I'm here and why they're gone and there is no way I can make it right. Now plea-" I was cut off by Gino's scream.

"You're just arguing in circles! Damnit! I'm tired of listening to your ramblings about things we can't change! Now you're going to listen to me." He once again managed to capture my attention. I looked back at him, I could feel the heat from his teal-eyed gaze. He cared...so much. He was so desperate.

"I want you. You hear me? I want you just how you are. But I know you can be better. better than all of us because you once were! You said it yourself. You need to dig deep, stop throwing yourself the world's biggest pity party! Now get off that bridge and help me create a better world instead of selfishly sitting back and hating it for what it isn't!" He may have said more, but I was beyond infuriated I blocked the rest out.

I twisted my body back in outrage. What...in the worlds?

"You take that back! Everything you said!" I screamed at him. I realized now it had gotten dark, the sun had already set, yet he remained gleaming at me. Mocking me.

"If you care that much come and make me!" Oh. My. Gods. What is he twelve? Fine. A fight he wants a fight he gets. It's not like it matters much now anyway. He already ruined everything. Everything! I squared up to him. The post I was leaning on now to my left. He was only about eight feet away from me. I planted my foot and just as a lunged at him

POPBANG

It startled me. It completely threw me off. After such a long time I hadn't heard anything like it. Gun fire? From where? My vision blanked for a second and I could have sworn I was in the back in the cockpit of Guren. I tensed up and before I knew it my grounded foot slipped from the narrow metal platform. My leg plunged faster into the abyss than I really thought it could.

Damn.

My stomach rocketed into that little space between my collarbones. I was in freefall, again. I had felt this feeling before only Lelouch wasn't here to save me. And I didn't want him to.

But, if this is what I really wanted this whole time...why was I reaching out to Gino? Why did my eyes catch his in shock. Why was he lit up gold? He looked ethereal. Then it hit me.

I, Kallen, former Red Lotus of the Black Knights, was scared by a yellow firework. I HATE that color.

Another split second of terror. My eyes stayed locked on his, his blue eyes turned molten by the firework. He lunged at me, his long, graceful frame shot itself at me. The wind got to be so strong, my hair whipped into my face stinging my cheeks.

And my left hand clamped onto his. His powerful grip surprised me, had he always been that strong?

"Kallen! I have you! I won't let go!" He screamed, his voice hoarse, I wonder who he was trying to convince, me or himself. But he had saved me before hadn't he? When I fell facing Suzaku...

POPBANG

a second firework, Green.

My whole body swung hard but his grip stayed true. I tried to reach up and grab his other hand, but I had lost that upper body strength a long time ago. Adrenaline raced through my body. Thoughts were coming through in fragments.

"You aren't strong enough to pull me up Gino!" I could tell by the way his other hand was awkwardly gripping the rail of the bridge that his grip wouldn't last long and I'd drag us both down. That was the last thing I wanted. It hit me. The last thing I wanted was to drag Gino down. To hold him back.

"I'm going to get you up!" But I could tell by his face he was struggling.

"You moron! The last thing I want is to bring you down with me!" I wanted him to know it. I already felt our grip slipping. My shoulder was being pulled and yanked and I couldn't help but look down below at the ink black water and the rest of the bridge. The rest of the bridge!

POP BANG

Another firework. Red.

"Gino, Swing me to that platform to your left!" I called to him and he began to rock his body right and left, like a pendulum. And all the sudden he had gotten so quiet, but I felt him quicken his grip and his whole, lanky body began to swing to the right, and back to the left. My grip was still slipping but at least I was getting closer...Gods what was I thinking?! I had gotten him into this mess.

"Almost there!" I yelled and as if on cue right at the apex of his swing my grip failed and I found myself sailing through the air like a ragdoll. I was going to make the platform...maybe?

I forgot how to do any of this. I'm going to miss the plat form! My brain fluttered through thoughts and on pure muscle memory did I manage to lunge my upper body to the edge of the platform and my arms hit the grated platform like a sack of cement. The metallic clang and scraping cracked through my ears and for a split second I thought the platform might give way.

My hands managed to grip in the holes of the rusty grate and all I could think of was if I had gotten my tetnus shot recently as the metal cut into them. I think I may have broken a rib or two...my left arm also feels terrible. A scream erupts through me before I even knew what happened.

"Kallen! I'm going to find a way down!" I heard Gino's voice, it barely made it past the howl of the wind under the bridge. I wasn't really listening to it though. I looked down...saw the abyss below. Gino was safe...I could just let go and end it like I planned on. Save him the time of finding the maintenance ladder. Would he be better off? Would I?

I felt my arms flood with blood and I slugged my bruised body clumsily up onto the platform, the wind whipping by me, howling, wanting to drag me down into the darkness. Funny. Here I was about to freely give myself up to it, and now I fought to stay on it. I'm a mess. A dark laugh came out of my lips.

POPBANG

another firework. Blue.

"Gino drives me absolutely crazy." I wheezed. What a completely nuisance he was, but he was right. I can't think of one thing that he or the others have really gone through, or if I asked him how they were with enough sincerity to actually want to know how they were doing. I didn't care enough about anyone to see through their facade. Especially Gino. I just assumed he was happy go lucky like usual, I never thought the war affected him the way it had me.

I gathered myself and manged to stand up, assessing the damage. My left arm doesn't feel broken but I probably cracked a rib...or two...but alive. Standing up I find the worn maintenance ladder and try to climb up it, the wind thrashing me as I start to climb up to the hatch, and right, of course as I get there Gino's face is looking down at me, eyes wide as if he thought I wouldn't be there. Well. Maybe he thought I'd jump after all. I am a little unstable. Maybe I should have jumped. I guess I can just come back. He reaches down and I grab his hand and step the rest of the way up the ladder and onto the sidewalk.

I suddenly feel so drained. The adrenaline is fading from my system and my whole body aches. I feel his long, thin arms lasso around me and pull me into him. I don't even know how to react except with my face against his chest, numb tears keep leaking out. And I am just too tired to care. I don't know if I was courageous for not going through with it, or a coward for backing out.

"Its ok. It's ok. I'm Sorry...I am So sorry for everything. You're safe." Gino's voice sounds pained, and his voice cracked. He was shaking badly too. Or was I shaking? Were we both? Did it matter?

POPBANG

another firework, orange.

"What do you have to be sorry about? I can't get my head straight and caused all this. You were right." My voice sounded pitiful. I never thought I would be this weak. I never thought Gino would have to save me a second time.

"I'm nothing but a hypocrite. I just...kept babbling. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let you do it."I pulled away from him, his blue eyes looking down on me like he was expecting me to fade away. He managed a small smile. He brushed my tangled hair lightly out of my face and my heart skipped a beat.

"Did you mean any of it? Any of what you said?" My brow furrowed. I needed to know. Did he actually want me? Or did he just say those things to talk me off the ledge? If he did those things just to pity me...if he didn't actually mean any of it,then I'll be back out here tomorrow. I don't want to do this alone, and I don't want him to do it out of pity.

"Of course! Kallen, no I..." Gino struggled with words "I was just trying to get through to you, to let you know how much we all care about you, how we can all help share your burden, that you aren't alone in this. You can rely on us. We all did things in the war we wish we could change, but can't." He articulated, he kept using the word 'we' and I don't know why I felt so disappointed he didn't use the word 'I'. I gazed back down at his chest silent. I don't know of anyone besides him that I would want to talk about anything with.

"You can rely on me. I won't fail you again." I looked back up at him. "I'm crazy about you Kozuki, I don't want to make a better world if you aren't in it." Gino stated it like he was stating the sky was blue. I felt blood rush to my face. It wasn't fair he could just say these things so earnestly when everything I think and feel is jumbled into knots. I can't think straight and my face feels like its made of lava. How is it possible he can make me feel things that I thought were long dead inside me? Dead with Lelouch.

And suddenly I did the only thing I knew made any sense. I needed to know.

I pushed up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips into his.

It was the first time, in a very long time, I did an action I was confident in. I felt his lips respond to mine, like remembering what is was to really connect to someone again. The kiss made me want to melt into him, for us to forge ourselves into something new. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. If they were anything like Lelouch's, so lifeless and unresponsive...I'd probably just run straight for the bridge.

They weren't.

POPBANG

another firework, yellow.

His normally blue eyes had specks of gold from the firework, making them look surreal. He gazed down upon me with a clearly surprised look on his face, but also one of fire. Buzzing in the back of my head, was a phrase I never thought I would be excited to think. This could be the beginning of something worth living for. Maybe...just maybe...I can make something more of myself.

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><p>Thanks for reading. This was originally going to be a one shot but I may continue this. This also may be a little OOC because it has been a while since I've watched Code Geass.<p>

anyway, i love constructive criticism, its been a very long time since I've written. anything would be appreciated!

-TL


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